


those who have what i ought to have

by valentinehoax



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung-centric, M/M, Metaphor Heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29107479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valentinehoax/pseuds/valentinehoax
Summary: Doyoung is envious.At first, he doesn't know why. It first blooms in his chest when he closes the front door to his apartment and slumps against it, then kicks off his shoes. It grows into a forest when he shuffles through his empty hallways, and he's trying to cut down trees as he cooks his evening meal.Yeah, Doyoung muses. He wants what they have.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	those who have what i ought to have

The first time Doyoung meets Yuta, it's in a café on the way to work. Yuta looks peaceful in the buzzing atmosphere of the morning rush hour, collecting his coffee with a smile that brightens the room around him. His eyes connect to Doyoung's, and Doyoung can't help but be glad he's gay.

Then he sees Yuta at work. _His_ work, as in they share the same work environment, and Yuta introduces himself.

"You were in the café this morning," Yuta says cheerfully, "do you remember me?"

"Yes," Doyoung says, a little coldly. Of course he does—Yuta is not the type of person who is easily forgotten.

Yuta continues to make an effort to talk to Doyoung. Doyoung discovers he's from Japan, as if his name didn't give it away, and transferred into this branch of the company because he wanted to travel overseas. (and he already knew some Korean). Sometimes he flails in Korean, grappling with the language, and Doyoung pulls out his rudimentary Japanese to help him.

There are times that Doyoung thinks Yuta is lonely. Late at night as they're heading out, Yuta mumbles words in Japanese. Doyoung recognises them as ' _I'm tired', 'I miss mother',_ and _'I like you.'_ Doyoung wonders who he's talking to, assumes it's a lover he left behind. Yuta sometimes looks off into the distance at the city streets, and Doyoung wonders if Yuta is comparing the streets of Seoul to the streets of Osaka.

Yuta buys Doyoung coffee. He brings it into the office, brushing off the playfully jealous remarks from the others as he sets a mug down on Doyoung's desk. Sometimes there's the occasional treat that comes with it. Doyoung repays him by bringing him a lunch every so often, making an effort to suit Yuta's palate.

"Who is it that you're talking about?" Doyoung asks.

"What do you mean?" Yuta asks with a cluelessness Doyoung can't help but think is cute.

"You say you like someone sometimes, in Japanese."

"Oh, that." Yuta's eyes wander around, looking everywhere but Doyoung. He turns a little pink. "Well, I just like someone, is all. A coworker."

All their coworkers are men, Doyoung notes. "You're...not straight?"

"No," Yuta confirms.

"Same, I'm gay." Doyoung nods to punctuate his words. Yuta brightens at the admission. His smile nearly blinds Doyoung.

Doyoung doesn't remember how he meets Jaehyun. Jaehyun is a well-known coworker, the type who knows everyone by name and remembers minor details. Doyoung has had a handful of conversations with Jaehyun, none of them particularly remarkable. The only major characteristic Jaehyun has is being handsome—

—which is quickly proven wrong when he and Doyoung get into an argument about the best way to wash rice. Jaehyun insists using hands is the best way, as it requires a gentle touch. Doyoung maintains the best way is using a plastic whisk to avoid contaminating the rice. Yuta is asked to choose a winner, and Yuta chooses Doyoung, much to Jaehyun's chagrin.

Despite Yuta siding with Doyoung that one time, and despite Yuta seemingly relying on Doyoung for some kind of emotional support, it's Yuta and Jaehyun who grow closer. They share the same sports interests, they have different dispositions that compliment each other well, and they laugh at the same things.

They're a good pair, Doyoung thinks fondly as he watches them. Doyoung never really has a place around them, so he ends up drifting away, instead joining Johnny for lunch, or leaving the building altogether for a lunch break.

When news of them dating is broken, Doyoung can't say he's shocked. They arrive hand-in-hand with an announcement of their newfound relationship status, both blushing and eager to spread the news. They stand in front of Doyoung looking expectant.

Doyoung smiles at them, genuinely happy for them. He congratulates them, saying he thinks they look good together. Yuta flashes a smile at Doyoung with soft eyes, and Jaehyun is looking at Doyoung with a fondness that unnerves Doyoung. Doyoung doesn't know what to think of this, so he dismisses it, ignoring the seeds that are planted in his chest.

Doyoung is envious. It takes a small while to place the emotion.

At first, he doesn't know why. He doesn't _want_ to know why. It first blooms in his chest when he closes the front door to his apartment and slumps against it, then kicks off his shoes. It grows into a forest when he shuffles through his empty hallways, and he's trying to cut down trees as he cooks his evening meal.

He thinks it's his apartment and it's cleanliness to the point of being sterile. The silence annoys him, so he leaves it to roam the streets, letting the cold bite at his cheeks. Doyoung stops under a streetlight, stuffing his hands into his pockets, and asks himself why the emotion isn't fading.

Doyoung ignores the envy even as it chases him, his very own miniature climate. When he sits in his office cubicle, surrounded by piles of paperwork, he can pretend to ignore it. He gets coffee from the cafeteria and talks to Johnny from the marketing department while acting like his smile is genuine.

It's during these mundane work hours that he finally understands what's happening.

He catches a glimpses of natural black hair and dyed brown hair close together. Yuta erupts into laughs, shoving Jaehyun's shoulder. It only serves to boost Jaehyun's ego apparently, since Jaehyun puffs up in pride as Yuta all but collapses on the ground.

Yeah, Doyoung muses as he pauses to watch them, then moves on before they notice they have his attention. He wants that too. He wants what they have.

In private he tries to unravel it. The mystery is a tangled ball of string that Doyoung picks at half-heartedly, wondering if it's better solved by simply getting a pair of scissors involved, or by discarding the entire feeling in the first place. But it's an envy that threatens to chase him for the rest of his life if he chooses to _ignore_ it, so he continues with the process of unravelling.

At first he thinks he just wants a relationship. This leads to failure—Doyoung sitting across from Taeyong, neither of them speaking.

"Sorry," Doyoung says.

"It's fine," Taeyong replies. He means it. "I know this wasn't going to last, but thanks for trying anyway."

"I feel like I lead you on." Doyoung stares at the tabletop, watching his hands tap out a rhythm on the surface.

"You didn't," Taeyong promises. "if it makes you feel any better, the past few months just showed me I only liked you for superficial reasons, romantically speaking."

Doyoung bites his lip.

"As cliche as it sounds, we're better off friends," Taeyong says, sounding far too kind. Doyoung agrees.

Taeyong keeps to his word. They message each other frequently, to the point where Johnny asks Doyoung if he's sure they aren't still dating. Doyoung denies it, mentioning Taeyong is seeing someone else now.

Time doesn't heal, but it can certainly create distance. Enough room to breathe, and the thick forest of Doyoung's envy is engulfed by rising waters. Doyoung drowns out the sound of what he considers his worst sin; he lets work plague him, he lets himself sing until he loses his voice, he continues to wander the streets. In search of answers he won't be given. He explores the world like he's a mermaid who gained human legs and is discovering a new civilisation for the first time.

It doesn't work. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Yuta looking at Jaehyun with a fondness that forces Doyoung's old envy to reemerge from the waters that had swallowed it. When Doyoung looks at them, Yuta makes eye contact with Doyoung and gives a little wave.

 _Cute,_ Doyoung thinks reflexively, then drives a stake through the heart of that sentiment. Doyoung looks away from Yuta, pretending he doesn't see how Yuta's expression falls.

Why does he choose to think of Yuta as cute? The answer is blatantly clear, but Doyoung wants to deny it. What he wants is not what he always gets, so he confronts the notion that he wants to date Yuta. He wants to be there to hold his hand. Doyoung daydreams about the most domestic of activities and including Yuta in them.

The heart of Doyoung's forest of envy is Yuta. Yuta, who playfully dances his way into Doyoung's heart. Doyoung willingly weaves a flower crown to place it on Yuta's head, making Yuta a king.

He ignores the encroaching presence of Jaehyun in these fantasies.

It's a dream that won't come true; Doyoung understands this well. Doyoung thinks he's too miserable, too pessimistic to be around Yuta, who is a beacon of optimism and good humour. He rolls his eyes at the voice in his head which tells him that's not entirely his choice to make.

Work assigns Doyoung and Jaehyun with the same task. Doyoung is an old hand at this task by then, and Jaehyun approaches Doyoung with reasonable questions. In spite of that, Doyoung stares at Jaehyun's stupidly handsome face and feels bitter.

"I was the one who met Yuta first, who fell for Yuta first. I'm the one who should be dating him," is what Doyoung _would_ say, as if he knows the exact moment when either one of them first fell for Yuta.

But he doesn't. He doesn't own Yuta or Jaehyun, and he can't dictate to anyone whether or not they can date. Him not being with Yuta at this very moment is because Doyoung is a _coward._ Jaehyun took the plunge, and is now enjoying several months worth of dating as a result.

Doyoung _is_ envious and he _is_ bitter. It eats away at him sometimes, when he's watching a movie alone or when he's out with friends. Taeyong from time to time mentions that he can seem a bit off.

"It's nothing," Doyoung tells Taeyong. Taeyong never presses the issue, but it's obvious he can tell something is happening with Doyoung.

Doyoung begins to realise his envy goes a little deeper than just wanting to date Yuta. Working alongside Jaehyun sometimes leaves Doyoung feeling a little breathless, like he's a schoolboy with his first love again, like the forest is just a small alcove, benign and innocent.

Jaehyun says words that are lost on Doyoung. He stares at Jaehyun, distracted by the contrast in Jaehyun's soft cheeks and hard jawline. Jaehyun looks expectant, then grows more confused. He waves a hand in front of Doyoung's face.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Doyoung croaks, rousing himself out of his daze.

That marks the first time Doyoung thought that maybe, _just maybe,_ it isn't as simple as wanting to date Yuta, or being jealous of Jaehyun. Maybe it's deeper—he wants _both,_ he discovers about himself.

This is confirmed when he next sees them. The palms of his hands throb, and he thinks about how badly he wants to be there. Doyoung doesn't want to be an _intruder_ but he wants to be a welcome guest. But in order to do that, he has to find the heart—and there's too many wild animals and poisonous foliage for him to find Yuta and Jaehyun without hurting himself.

Doyoung doesn't want to be hurt. He puts on a mask and pretends to be a tree, an onlooker of the love story that is Yuta and Jaehyun.

The anniversary of Yuta and Jaehyun's relationship arrives sooner than Doyoung expected. He'd been so caught up in his pining that he missed the discussion to celebrate it in the office. An oversight for Doyoung. Now there's no time to prepare himself emotionally, already at the restaurant Johnny dragged him to, seated uncomfortably near Jaehyun.

It's an informal affair. Yuta and Jaehyun aren't ones for the drama, they're ones for the _sentimentality._ Doyoung can see that shine in how they look at each other like they're each other worlds, and the others are moons to orbit them. Doyoung is content to be a member of the audience; this is a lie he keeps telling himself.

Johnny is watching Doyoung. Doyoung notices, and he stares back at Johnny from across the table. Johnny quirks an eyebrow, pointedly glancing at Jaehyun and Yuta's joined hands. Doyoung rolls his eyes, then flicks a look at another couple there, like Doyoung is just wanting a relationship. Johnny follows his gaze, then returns to Doyoung, disbelieving.

Doyoung supposes that if the forest metaphor is to be developed further, Johnny is the lumberjack who threatens everything. But there's nothing _to_ uncover; Doyoung is a master of pretense, and by now he's spent over a year in the shape of an innocuous plant, guarding the sanctuary of Yuta and Jaehyun's home. He's willing to lose his disguise to protect Yuta and Jaehyun, Jaehyun and Yuta, even if that means he's driven out of the forest.

"You never know," Johnny says out of the blue as they walk home. They live in the same apartment building. The celebration is over by now, everyone having parted ways.

"Know what?" Doyoung can't look at Johnny, because Doyoung knows his face is an open book and Johnny is a master of languages.

"You don't know if they won't include you," Johnny says. "It's possible."

"Possible, but unlikely." Doyoung rolls his eyes. "Even if it is, it's a bit late—they've been dating for ages now, in case you haven't noticed."

Johnny smirks. Doyoung's given up on hiding his feelings, feeling too tired about _everything_ to bother.

"You never know," Johnny says again, this time in sing-song. He starts skipping ahead of Doyoung, laughing when Doyoung glares at him.

Johnny is the enemy, Doyoung decides. He's trying to cause chaos when there's no need. Doyoung doesn't _need_ to be with Yuta and Jaehyun. The feeling will pass in time. Doyoung just has to keep an open mind—he knows he shouldn't see other people as a sort of rebound, but he can't help it when he compares strangers to Yuta's smile or Jaehyun's dimples.

There's also no way _both_ can like Doyoung. He'd be lucky if even one of them had ever been interested in Doyoung in the first place. Doyoung's envy is growing wild, untamed and without pattern; Yuta is the warm sunlight which forces Doyoung to wake and Jaehyun is the sweet air which forces Doyoung to breathe.

In other words, Doyoung is dependent on them, but they don't even have Doyoung on their radar.

More months pass, and Doyoung ends up dating someone else. Ten is like a sour-then-sweet candy Doyoung's addicted to, but only in the most superficial of ways. He takes a bite and then leaves, Ten following a similar pattern. Despite the longevity of their relationship, Doyoung knows he has no interest in anything meaningful. He knows Ten doesn't either, because Ten is brave (unlike Doyoung) and told Doyoung flatly that if he finds someone he likes more, he'll leave Doyoung.

Doyoung had told him it's fine, because he's in love with someone else. Ten asked who with. Doyoung didn't reply.

Ten also accompanied Doyoung to functions for work, and it was there he found out Doyoung is in love with Yuta and Jaehyun, Jaehyun and Yuta—truly and utterly lovesick, a hopeless state of mind. That robs Doyoung of his human intelligence when he's around them. Ten says nothing about Doyoung's flustered behaviour to this day, because he's also in love. He just smiles mysteriously and moves on.

"Maybe they like you," Ten muses one night. It's 'date' night. A farcical occasion where the two of them meet, exchange notes, and leave. Anything physical has long since died it's merry death, fertilizer for the trees Doyoung is cultivating, to see where his breaking point.

"Not you too," Doyoung sighs. "There's no way."

"They kept looking at you when I talked to them. I don't think Jaehyun likes me." Ten's eyes never leave the television screen. "He practically dragged Yuta away from me when I tested the waters by flirting. It was kind of funny but also kind of sad." When he glances at Doyoung, he can feel the mirth rolling off Ten in waves. "Who else agrees with me? Taeyong?"

"No, Johnny." But also Taeyong, in his own way. Ten cackles like he can read Doyoung's mind.

If Ten can read minds, then Doyoung predicts the future. Taeyong sits Doyoung down with the terrifying ' _we need to talk_ ' phrase. They're not even dating, Doyoung snarks privately to himself, obediently sitting opposite Taeyong anyway.

"You need to seriously move on from them," is what Taeyong says once he's made sure Doyoung's eaten. "It's not healthy. Either confess and be rejected or move on, but do it properly this time."

"I have been moving on," Doyoung insists, not believing his own lies.

"You're playing out some weird fantasy with Ten. That doesn't count," Taeyong shoots back. "I don't either. We're more like childhood friends who saw too much of each other when we moved in together after high school, and now get flashbacks when we make eye contact."

"Oddly specific."

"But accurate."

"I suppose. How would I go about moving on then?"

"Is confessing not even an option for you?" Taeyong lifts his chin to scoff at Doyoung. He's the least intimidating person Doyoung knows.

"I won't." Doyoung's tone closes the door to that possibility, locking it with every puzzle and riddle he knows. Taeyong sees the door slam shut, and doesn't risk trying to open it in case he endangers his life.

Taeyong doesn't have any answers anyway. He's one of those elusive gods who offer many rewards and no proper information and disappears when the red glow of dawn fades. Doyoung is never one to expect solutions to fall into his lap.

Even the universe is sick of Doyoung. The forest of envy doesn't die, spurred on by Doyoung as he lies awake in his bed. Jaehyun has what Doyoung should have; Yuta has what Doyoung should have. Doyoung shouldn't think these things, but he doesn't want to stop.

The forest has thorns, and Doyoung wants to feel the sharp prick against his skin. Never enough to break the skin, just enough to validate Doyoung's experience. He's in love with them, as much as he can be while keeping his distance.

The universe disagrees, and tugs Doyoung into Yuta and Jaehyun's orbit like he's a planet, not the small moon he thinks he is. It's Jaehyun who first lingers around Doyoung, smiling politely when Doyoung glances at him. He unexpectedly asks Doyoung what hair colour he thinks will suit him.

Doyoung squints at Jaehyun, trying to imagine a wide range of colours.

"I think you'd look good in a dusty blue," Doyoung says.

"Really?" Jaehyun smiles widely, tugging on his hair to pull it down so he can see it. "I thought you'd say black, or something."

The next day, Jaehyun arrives to work with his usual brown now the very colour Doyoung envisioned.

"It's a good choice," Yuta says from behind Doyoung, making Doyoung jump in the air. "Sorry, didn't mean to shock you," Yuta laughs, fingers grazing against his elbow.

"It's fine. I should've been more aware." Doyoung dismisses Yuta, afraid he'll start burning up with a blush if he doesn't extract himself from this. Yuta doesn't seem interested in giving Doyoung what he wants, because he takes Doyoung by his wrist and pulls Doyoung closer.

"You should," Yuta says. He swings their linked arms together, Doyoung watching the movement so he doesn't have to look into Yuta's face.

"Hey," Yuta says suddenly. "I need to thank you, you know."

"What?" Doyoung racks his brain for something he's done for Yuta recently, coming up blank.

"For befriending me. I ended up dating Jaehyun because of you." Just what Doyoung doesn't need to be reminded of. Out of all things Yuta can mention, he brings up his flourishing relationship, now bordering on another anniversary.

"That's why we want to have dinner with you," Yuta says, his usual cheerful self. Doyoung thinks he detects nervousness, but he's not sure. There's no way Yuta would be nervous—Yuta exudes a self-assuredness that he only loses when Jaehyun speaks.

"All right," Doyoung agrees. The forest in him shrieks as a wildfire erupts. A fire that hurts him as he accompanies the pair, a third wheel to a loving couple. It grows closer and closer to the heart, _his_ heart, and the alcove of innocence Doyoung carefully protects in his fantasies, especially built for Jaehyun and Yuta, Yuta and Jaehyun.

For whatever reason, Jaehyun insists on cooking for Doyoung. Doyoung sits at their counter on a stool, watching them bicker to each other about the best way to cook.

Envy is Doyoung's old friend and greatest gift which fuels him. The fire continues to burn.

They all sit at the dining table. Yuta evidently wanted a low-sitting table, according to Jaehyun. They sit on cushions on the floor in what Doyoung presumes is a Japanese style. Doyoung hasn't had to cross his legs in what feels like forever, and it's a bit of a struggle to find a position that's comfortable. When he does, he appreciates the high quality food served to him.

They're halfway through their meal when Yuta sets down his chopsticks and bowl. He waits until Doyoung is looking at him before speaking.

"We need to tell you something about Ten," Yuta says somberly. "We saw him at a club with someone else."

"Oh," Doyoung says intelligently.

"We're sorry to tell you like this."

"Oh," Doyoung repeats. "Is that all?"

Yuta blinks, taken back. Jaehyun frowns into his food but doesn't stop eating.

"What do you mean? You're okay with him cheating?"

"We're not dating." Doyoung speaks flatly, and Jaehyun takes a gulp of his tea.

"You broke up?" Yuta is off guard, leaning forward with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"Don't be," Doyoung cuts him off. "It was never anything serious."

A moment of silence, the couple trading looks. Doyoung watches them, not understanding the silent conversation taking place. Yuta jerks his chin at Jaehyun, Jaehyun shrugs and flaps a hand through the air. Yuta tilts his head in Doyoung's direction. Jaehyun lets out a defeated groan.

"Doyoung," Jaehyun says seriously. He's watching him closely, Doyoung feeling unnerved by the sudden attention.

"That's me," Doyoung says, like the genius he is.

"We like you," he says.

Doyoung blinks. He takes in the light peach-coloured dusting on Jaehyun's cheekbones and ears, the way Yuta can't look at anything but the floor.

"I haven't finished eating, and you're already asking for a threesome?"

Yuta chokes on air, falling off his cushion and landing on his back. There he lies, completely still like he's willing himself into unconsciousness. Unlike the dramatic nature of his boyfriend, Jaehyun freezes.

"I'm not propositioning you like that," Jaehyun says carefully, looking up and away from Doyoung. "But if that's all you want, we'll take what we can get."

Doyoung is tempted to try and drown himself in the kitchen sink.

"What we mean is, we want you to date us." Jaehyun takes Doyoung's hand from where it is on the table, softly like it's something to be cherished. "We want you to join our relationship."

"A trouple instead of a couple," Yuta says from his position beneath them.

"Triple," Jaehyun says.

"Trouple," Yuta retaliates.

"Anyway," Jaehyun says a little too loudly for his normal speaking volume, "we'll give you time. But we're serious, we wanted this from the beginning. Sorry it took us so long—but we were scared."

Jaehyun's disarming smile has Doyoung on his feet and out the door. As he leaves the apartment, he goes through an internal checklist. Johnny isn't particularly close to Doyoung, and he's drinking buddies with Jaehyun, so maybe alcohol loosened his tongue. Taeyong might have tried to set up a situation where Doyoung is forced to admit to deep feelings, not realising Jaehyun and Yuta would think it's a prank. Ten—Ten is a fan of jokes, but he's not malicious, right?

By the time Doyoung reaches his stupid, sterile, _barren_ apartment, he knows he's reaching for straws that aren't there. None of his friends would do so, and the couple Doyoung is so infatuated with would even dream of doing this.

That night, Doyoung reaches into himself to go back to his forest, to the alcove where he cherishes his love for Jaehyun and Yuta, Yuta and Jaehyun. It's not there. He falls asleep, confused. It's not like his envy is just _gone._

That morning comes with new-found knowledge. His wallet isn't in his apartment. Doyoung left it at Jaehyun and Yuta's apartment, evidenced by the photo Yuta sent to Doyoung last night. Doyoung had slept through the notifying _ping._

"Damn," Doyoung says to blank walls. Reluctantly he heads to work, regretting his decision to agree to the dinner. Now he's lost the fantasy he's spent the past couple of years building up, he's planted seeds for serious trust issues with his friends in a bid to replace the envy he's lost, and he's going to have to talk to either Jaehyun or Yuta.

They find him. A hand slams down on his desk, holding his wallet. Doyoung blinks at it, then looks up at the owner of the hand.

"Ah," he says eloquently.

"Hi," Jaehyun says. "We'll give you more time to think it over, don't worry. Just thought I'd bring your wallet to you." Like the sweet air Doyoung thinks him to be, Jaehyun evaporates, whisking himself off to chat to someone else in the department.

For the rest of the week, Yuta and Jaehyun studiously avoid Doyoung. It gets to the point where several coworkers mention the behaviour to Doyoung, asking him what he did to earn the dislike of two popular members of the workplace. Doyoung evades each question, hating the feeling. This is what will happen if he joins them, assuming the offer is sincere.

It probably is, Doyoung thinks as he stands in front of the coffee machine in the communal area, staring into his mug glumly. Jaehyun said it without caring if he's overheard, and in broad daylight it just makes Doyoung's response seem irrational. It's his insecurities at play, the same ones which are the reason why he never bothered to pursue either of them romantically.

Of all people, it's Ten who offers advice. It's their 'date' night again. They're in Ten's apartment, a place decorated with art pieces Ten both drew and collected, the smell of coffee wafting in the air. Ten takes one look at Doyoung and hugs him. Doyoung doesn't cry, but he doesn't pull away with dry eyes either.

"What happened?" Ten says. He guides Doyoung to his couch, sitting Doyoung down.

"I don't know what to do," Doyoung says. He then explains the situation in the language of hiccups and used tissues, Ten humming encouragement all the way through. Doyoung expects a snide _I told you so_ at the end of it.

"They really were looking at you in the functions I went to." Ten is wiping Doyoung's face with a tissue like Doyoung's a child. Doyoung likes the treatment.

"I didn't actually think _they'd_ make the move, though." Ten hands Doyoung his mug of tea, Doyoung taking it gratefully. "I thought it'd be you. You seemed desperate enough."

"So you think this is serious? I really did think they wanted a threesome."

Ten gives Doyoung a look that's so artfully scornful, Doyoung nearly wishes he fell for Ten instead. But Ten had mentioned someone else in the picture, and Doyoung will _not_ infringe on that in any way.

Like a painter trying to capture a forest no longer there, Ten takes a pen and begins drawing loose symbols on Doyoung's skin. The ink leaks down the tiny wrinkles of Doyoung's skin.

"It's up to you," is what Ten says, looking at his work in satisfaction. "If you want to accept, then accept. If you don't, then don't. There's nothing unknown here, you _know_ both of them."

"How do I know what I want?"

Ten fixes Doyoung with a gaze like he can see the alcove Doyoung once hid away. There's a pause, Doyoung sucking in his breath as he senses the probing of his features. Ten's gaze softens, a hand brushing through Doyoung's hair.

"Like anything else," Ten says. "You dream of it, and then you decide if reality matches up to it once you go through with it."

Doyoung feels strange when Ten speaks. He doesn't know if they are words of wisdom or if they're gibberish, if they're useless phrases to be tossed aside or if they should be digested and absorbed. This may be the best advice he receives, and he doesn't want to trace over what happened again.

That night, Doyoung dreams of a mountain. The sun reflects off the snow to blind him, and the wind is cold yet caresses his face. Doyoung does not believe in psychic powers, and he doesn't believe in his dreams being meaningful.

Despite misgivings, he approaches the couple on Monday evening. They're alone in a relatively secluded corner, most of their coworkers having already left. They speak in hushed tones that fall silent when Yuta sees Doyoung approach.

"Hi," Jaehyun says, no sign of unease on display. Yuta's expression is more open, flashing a smile that quickly fades as he searches Doyoung's face apprehensively.

"Why now?" Doyoung asks. He's taking the ripping-off-the-plaster approach. "Why not, I don't know, at the start of the relationship?"

"We were scared," Jaehyun admits easily, Yuta nodding along as Yuta leans on the wall to watch them both. "You're intimidating, and to be honest we do expect a _no._ "

Doyoung eyes them both suspiciously. He wonders if they'll laugh at him, or string him along to break his heart. His dream from a few nights ago flashes into his mind, reminding him there's nothing to be _envious_ of.

"All right," Doyoung says, "I'll give you my answer."

The pair visibly tense, bracing themselves for what Doyoung will say next.

"I accept," he says, each sound formed with utmost care. There's a beat of silence, long enough to have Doyoung thinking his paranoia is correct and he's going to have to call Ten to cry.

But then Yuta launches himself into Doyoung's arms, followed closer by Jaehyun. Delicate, immature flowers bloom in an empty field inside Doyoung's mind.

**Author's Note:**

> i tried a different writing style. not really sure how it turned out, it's more artistic (???) than how i normally write
> 
> the title is a quote from aristotle. originally it's "those who have what we ought to have" when he describes envy
> 
> twitter is [valentinehoax](https://twitter.com/valentinehoax) if u feel the urge to complain about how i didn't develop the relationship between the 3 of them dsjkfsnmsakdjnm


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